MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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