how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
