Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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