My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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