he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm really busy with my period
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