I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's never too late to be topless.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
