This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
