my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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