We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
