i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
