I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
