mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
