Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
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