you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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