I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
