guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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