How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
