I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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