I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
