Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
