If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Shame - the story of my life.
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