tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
