Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
