I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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