My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
