drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
