Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
organizing the empties. That sober.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
