Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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