We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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