Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
