i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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