he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
