she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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