Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
