My nipple is on Facebook.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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