Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
