they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
