fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
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