all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
