i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
