I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
And then he peed in my hair
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