she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
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