Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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