Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I have so many feelings about this burrito
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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