Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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