If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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