why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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