OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
how drunk are you?
Several
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
