Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
