I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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